-by Ketika Kasetwar (originally written in Dec 2022 and updated regularly)

I still remember that day when my daughter was about 9 months old. I had to take her for her regular medical check-up, which I did not how I would manage alone. I was tired, exhausted and super cranky due to the gruelling past few months. My daughter would take hours to eat, I had to constantly keep churning out new food items to cater to her changing taste buds, and I had to take care of the mess in the house (which would keep moving from one place to another as I went cleaning), keep coming up with interesting activities every hour and would take lots of wind-down time to sleep. When I told (read whined!!) to the doctor, he patiently listened and told me something that changed my life, “Look up and read about ‘Giftedness’. Take help from resources from outside our country as it is still not taken seriously in India.”

It changed me and my parenting style in a moment – making me shift from what should be done to what needs to be done for my daughter. I spent the next few weeks reading about giftedness, and finally connecting and making sense of confusing dots that represented my daughter’s behaviour, reactions, expressions and communication. I used to wonder why my 5-month-old wants me to spend an hour every day reading the calendar or why my 9-month-old is repeatedly making a particular sound trying to talk or why she enjoys doing cleaning chores in the house. I moved from getting irritated over doing chores repeatedly to understanding why is she asking for them. I realized that numbers fascinate her, she can make sense of differences in words/pronunciation and making a particular sound gets the desired reaction from me and she wants to help me. She never crawled or walked, but started running straight away. And reached the ‘average’ milestones way before time, not only physical but cognitive and emotional. The most important thing I learned was not to remain stuck with the ‘age-appropriate’ concept ingrained in us, but to step out and go beyond the age limit to design and figure out activities; and I became an expert in filtering out unsolicited advice, especially, “Don’t make her do things beyond her age… Let her be the child that she is supposed to be.”

It took us time, but we slowly figured out our unique ways. An important one being role-play and discussions. Not talks, but actual discussions to understand each other better. I had to learn, research and study a lot to be able to figure out what my daughter actually wants to communicate, verbally and non-verbally. Figuring out how to address, deal with and respond to her heightened emotional sense, and often explosive reactions is a constant process. I realized her abilities and helped increase her emotional vocabulary, for which I had to look and dig deep within myself and my understanding. We enjoy this two-way process where we constantly learn from each other.

At 8 years old, we were discussing genetics, evolution, relationships, intuitions, how to revive extinct species, Greek mythology and Indian scriptures. Her closest friends are at least a couple of years elder than her, and so are most of the children with whom she plays regularly. She reads anything that catches her attention from all the books and magazines available in our home, often forgetting the world around her. We visit the library at least 3 times a week and meet friends over playdates at least twice. We meet and interact with animals too on a regular basis. I, on my part, have ensured that we keep learning and exams separate. Whenever she has to give an exam, she prepares for it specifically and gives the exams. But the learning does not happen around the exam schedule. For us, wandering, exploring and learning is routine – whether we are working on a farm or playing/creating video games.

I am lucky I was able to learn to look for the early signs of giftedness – high-energy, heightened curiosity, insatiable inquisitiveness, intense emotional reactions and opinionated, to name a few. I am happy that I connected with the right people and resources at the time when I needed them the most.

In my attempt to help more parents deal with the roller-coaster journey of bringing up a gifted child, especially in India, I have listed some important points below. I would be happy to keep adding here.

a) Equip them to become self-learners

This is the most important support that parents can provide gifted children. They need to become more of a facilitator in their child’s learning journey, ensuring the child has everything they need to develop their skills – whether it’s a library card, internet access, a keyboard, somewhere else to paint or draw away from other siblings or the space to explore their interests individually, or with similar peers. One doesn’t have to spend a fortune; second-hand books and equipment are perfectly fine. Rather than bringing all resources to them, it is essential to keep showing available resources and how to use them – whether library, internet or people.

My example: I never ‘teach’ my daughter. Whenever she has a question or a doubt, I support her to find the answer by providing help and showing her how to use available resources.

b) Offer emotional support

Gifted children need the same emotional support as any other child. “Love without strings, praise for effort and a family structure so that they know what is expected of them and how to treat others with respect,” says psychologist Professor Joan Freeman, who specialises in gifted children. However, gifted children tend to be very hard on themselves so they may need an extra morale boost, more support if they are trying very difficult things (like beyond their age) or reprimanding for incorrect behaviour in a calm and easy space.

My example: My daughter expresses a range of emotions and feelings, beyond her age. I take conscious efforts to help my daughter identify each emotion and discuss ways to manage them. There are times when my daughter needs support to help her learn how to express herself more effectively and not get irritated when the child/adult in front of her is unable to understand her. Also, my daughter does not like being reprimanded in front of others. Hence, we have a calm and easy space where we discuss, talk and, sometimes role-play, to discuss incorrect/socially-unacceptable behaviour.

c) Understand their potential and help them be understood

“Gifted children can be misunderstood – they often learn differently, interact differently and don’t quite conform to normal behaviour,” says Julie Taplin, Deputy Chief Executive of Potential Plus UK, the operating name of the National Association for Gifted Children. Parents need to step in and ensure they discuss their child’s qualities and characteristics with family members, friends, other parents, teachers and club leaders so that they can try to understand your child and what is ‘normal’ for them. Parents need to become advocates for their children, to help them feel more accepted and at ease which becomes easier when parents of gifted children know as much as possible about the needs and challenges associated with the child’s high-ability/potential, along with required socio-emotional-psychological support.

My example: Whenever I discuss a new course, project or activity with a potential instructor, I always insist on ‘ability-appropriateness’, rather than ‘age-appropriateness. Due to the lack of support in our country, I got in touch with parents of gifted children in other countries to understand my daughter’s abilities and potentials and how to put across her specific needs.

d) Schedule daydream time

‘I’m bored!!” is a sentence that parents of gifted children will hear multiple times on a few days. Parents need to understand that giving this time to ‘feel’ bored is extremely important for gifted children. Parents should not take the responsibility to keep their children occupied the whole day. By letting them get bored, gifted children often daydream and come up with amazing things and ideas to work independently upon. It’s crucial to allow children, more so for those who are gifted, to have some unstructured time each day just to think, play and daydream. It is important for creativity and having some downtime often prevents the child from becoming stressed. 

e) Allow them to fail

Gifted children become so good at doing things related to their high-ability, that they often lose track of what it means to not be the best or excel always. They need to be allowed to fail at things, to help them learn how to deal with failures and setbacks, as well as to learn not to put too much pressure on themselves.

Parents must encourage them not only to take risks and attempt things that will be difficult both intellectually and physically (as long as they are in a safe environment), but also help them to understand that failure helps them learn and develop their skills.

f) Build a support network of experts

Though parents are the foremost support for a gifted child, it is possible that soon they will require inputs on topics/fields that parents are not aware of. Also, it is crucial for parents to encourage their gifted child to learn from more people, fostering a sense of confidence to seek knowledge from experts and adults.

Parents of gifted children often feel upset when they are unable to support their children. But parents need to understand that they have their own limitations and must seek help when they need it.

My example: My daughter has direct contact and relationships with experts in various career fields – zoologists, wild animal experts, officers in defence forces, captains working with merchant navy, author, journalist, chef and artists. She often talks to them directly to seek knowledge and clear doubts. On my part, I had to explain to them my daughter’s abilities and how she talks/communicates. Initially, I had to help them, but now these experts often come back to my daughter with something new and interesting from experiences they may have come across.

g) Have a range of friendships.

Gifted children can sometimes struggle to identify with children of their own age who don’t have similar abilities or intellect levels. Hence, its important to let them interact and play with all sorts of children. Parents of gifted children can help them connect with like-minded peers through charities, clubs and activities.

My example: My daughter’s best friend is 5 years elder to her. And most of her close friends are at least a couple of years elder than her. Though she is comfortable playing daily with kids her age, she sometimes needs a break from them to pursue her own interests.

h) Let your home environment assist in learning

Comfort is a big thing with young children, more so for gifted children who are very openly expressive about their comfort levels. Home is where they get maximum comfort and freedom unless there are some other family issues. Gifted children have an innate sense of absorbing and retaining information and knowledge that they learn a lot from just being around and observing.

My example: Our kitchen is our maths and science lab. Initially, I used to get irritated with all the cleaning, but now we have turned cleaning into an important part of learning. My daughter picked up her excellent skills in art, craft and embroidery by just being around and observing these regular activities in our home, that we do ourselves or when we invite others.

i) Chores and responsibilities

Gifted children benefit from being treated equally with other family members. Alternatively, as they have sharp intensity towards pursuing their interests, they often forcefully express/throw tantrums when asked to do other ‘non-interesting’ but important things, like regular studies, household chores and learning to respect other’s points of view. It is important that gifted children are made to complete tasks compulsorily, to take up and adhere to some responsibility according to their abilities. This helps them learn important skills that are required to live a more balanced adult life.

My example: At the age of 2, my daughter used to help with sweeping and mopping. At age 3, she was responsible for putting and folding laundry also. At age 4, she had the added responsibility of cleaning her room every night before bedtime. Around 5, she took up washing utensils on her own. These are not hard and fast, but doing these un-interesting but necessary chores help in the long run.

j) Understanding importance of “SCAFFOLDING”

I have observed that gifted kids often need a little push to take them to the next level. It is not that they are not capable of it, but their minds are pretty happy being comfortable—maybe because they are already doing ‘stuff’ beyond age-peers. But that carries the risk of them losing interest, getting away with minimal effort, or, in the long run, even becoming underachievers. To avoid this, scaffolding has proved to be useful for me. Scaffolding simply means providing just enough support at the right time – breaking a big or complex task into smaller, doable steps, offering guidance initially, and then slowly stepping back as the child gains confidence and independence. Similar to how a support structure (scaffolding!!) is provided while constructing a building, and then removed when the building is ready. It is not about making things easy for them, but about giving them the tools and structure to stretch themselves without feeling overwhelmed.

My example: When my daughter picked up LEGO sets, I didn’t simply hand her the manual and expect her to figure it all out. I helped her organize the pieces, prompted her to read the instructions carefully, and supported her through the tricky parts in the beginning. As she grew more comfortable, I gradually withdrew my involvement, allowing her to experiment, make mistakes, and find her own solutions. The pride she felt when she created a replica of our local super mall (with McDonalds, Westside, Ice-cream stand and all…) on her own was priceless.

       For us, the main operational keywords are always going to be ‘exposure’ and “exploration”. The more practices, ideas, thoughts, cultures and beliefs we experience, the more dots we will have to connect and make meaning out of, hopefully not so confusing anymore!